25 minutes too late

I'm waiting at the airport. my flight was supposed to be about one hour ago. I'm still waiting. I'm in LJLA (Liverpool John Lennon Airport). I had an epiphany, this morning, i met my closest friend, Meera, in my dream. she said that she got something important to say to me, but before she could, i woke up. the thing was, it was me that said that to her. right before i took that job in England. she said that she will wait for me to come back to her, and then she'll tell me how she feels about me. the thing about me is, i could never wait. so for the past two years, I've been avoiding her calls for me, until this morning when she called me, it was almost midnight in Malaysia, and she told me to come home. cause she's got a surprise. and for once in the last two years, I've had a soft heart to answer it.

she said it was important, and i took the first flight back, but for some reason, the flight had to be delayed. 25 minutes, late than the original one. so i waited at the airport, so while doing so, i reminisce about the time when i was younger, when i was still in primary school.

i met Meera when we were in primary 3,she just moved from Bintulu, she used to sit beside me, at first i thought to myself, and mind you, this was my younger self, ' this girl is so cute, but too bad she's a girl'. and that was what i thought of her, but then she introduced herself to me. at first i was reluctant to say my name, but i did. she smiled, then held my hand and asked me to play hide and seek, along with our other friends. but the thing was at that time, she never took her hands of mine, we hid at the same place. i just kept quite, not wanting to be caught. anyway, time passes, and we were in high school. she hit puberty a lot faster than me, so when we were in form 1, she was a bit taller, but by the time we hit form 3, i was the taller one.

we shared a lot of memories, some bad, some good, her breakup with her first ever boyfriend, and then her second boyfriend, and mine with this crush i used to have, but i never had a girlfriend before, and of course the time we went camping and got lost, i never would have thought that that would be a good memory, but we do have some fun thinking back about it.slowly, i started to have feelings for her, but i never wanted to tell her, cause i thought that if i do tell her, it would ruin our friendship. she said she was single, but not available, i didn't get what that meant during that time, but now i do.

Then, we graduated, and i went on to college, she went to Matriculation, i got into an arts college, studying film and broadcasting, while she went to med school. i went on to become a broadcasting agent and i got that job offer in England. i wanted to go to Hollywood, but my application to the US wasn't accepted, so i went on to London, England. she got a job at the hospital, since it was part of her contract to work after finishing her studies. and the night before my flight, i took her out. I've been planning that for a week, and you know, i thought, that by bringing her to a romantic dinner, just a night before my going would set the right mood, and maybe our love will spark. so we had dinner, talked about my bags and shirt that I'm bringing there, and where i was going to live but then we ran out of topic, so i brought out the topic about our love life, how we have always been friend, and how she never met a guy, and i never had a girlfriend. then i told her everything. there was silence between us, just the bustling sound of the restaurant waiters and other people talking. she didn't say anything. then those words came out, ' I'll tell you after you come back here. you can wait right?'

I've always been patient, but somehow that night i didn't have any patience, i didn't know why, but perhaps maybe that i was leaving tomorrow, and all she could say was that she's gonna wait for me to come back. i didn't say a word after our conversation, its like the words are just gone, and i just don't seem to be in the mood. so the day came, i made my flight to London, and i didn't look back, not at the girl, not at my hometown.

but here i am, looking back, and going back, just with the flight being delayed i can't do anything. i took a walk around the airport, and just walked to see the people there. then 20 minutes pass, and I'm sure that i can go into the terminal now. i waited for the flight attendance to call us to get into the plane, and then we went.

the flight from Liverpool to Kuching, a direct flight, took almost almost a whole day, so i got some shut eye inside the plane to avoid jet-lagging. and when i couldn't sleep, i took the liberty to watched the in flight movies, or play some games, and other than that, i would often times flirt with the stewardess, i know, sounds perv of me, but come on, its a long flight home.

I'm not really sure why she called, and why i even answered. hours before arriving in KLIA, i had a thought, that what if she called me to finally say that she wants to be with me more than ever, more than anything i suppose. but that thought was slowly beginning to take its toll on me as i was even more eager to go back to Kuching. what if she did, what if this time going back meant we were finally going to start that relationship that was on hold for quite a few years. what if we ended up marrying each other, or the least, getting engaged. her parents and my parents were close, because my mom works with her mom, at some point when we were younger, just before my mom retired.

my thoughts were running wild, with never ending possibility of what might happen. what if i never took that job. where would i be right now? would we still be friends? or would we be married and have children? or would we lose contact and never see each other again after that night. questions that never seem to have answer. oddly enough, even though I'm not a religious guy, i only thought that God has paved my life into going to this direction. though the possibility are endless, i chose the path, and God provided my destination. that was all i thought.

my mind went back to this memory of when Meera and I were younger, we were about 12. my grandfather just died. it was a shock to us all. i fell into this sad state, cause i was really close to my grandfather. Meera was there to comfort me. she cheered me up, and that was when i realized that she could be my best friends forever. and i loved her back then as a friend. but years after, that friendly-love turned into just pure love.i never did felt like this for anyone, but her.not any of the girls back when i was young, or the girls that I've met working in England.

The "put your safety belt light" on the plane turned on, and the pilot announced that we were about to land. my thoughts came back to me. and i focused on my journey now instead of looking back. i had to be in the present.

My flight was a transit from KLIA to Kuching. i had to go into the airport, take a whole run into the immigration, and finally back into the plane . that's what they call a transit flight. since i was a citizen of Sarawak, it had some privilege. so on my way back to Kuching, a town that i thought i would never see again, or might even thought going back to. I'm doing this for love, for Meera. i still had no idea what her surprise was for me. but if my thoughts before were right, i might go back to Kuching and finally have a heart to stay there.

now all i thought about was just Meera, and no one else. my mind was focused on her. i even tried saying her full name again, making sure i still remember it. Nur Meera binti Morshidin. Lovely name. lovely smile, and love of my life.

it was almost 4 in the evening in Kuching, the weather wasn't quite welcoming. thunders were everywhere in the plane, several times i would imagine me dying due to a plane crash, but god forbid, i pray it will never happen. due to the bad weather, the plane's landing was delayed for a long time. and i waited almost half an-hour. give or take the plane took a delay of 25 minutes.

then we arrived, finally in Kuching. my mom and dad couldn't pick me up, due to some unforeseen circumstances, meaning they might be going to a function somewhere, but they let my cousin pick me up. he's alright, kinda like a brother to me, since my brother's are working somewhere else in Malaysia, i don't know where they are right now, i never took the time to know. anyway, my cousin, Jud, he told me that I'm suppose to go to the event that my parent went to. great, another wedding or 'whatever'. and i just arrived. but he said it was important. saying something about its a wedding of someone important. i didn't care, so i had to go. Meera would have to wait.

Jud wasn't the best driver, but he sure drives slow. i asked him about the event, and he said it was someone that my parents knew, their daughter getting married or something. i tried contacting Meera, but to no avail. i couldn't get a hold of her. she must be pretty busy, being a doctor and all. i decided to call her tomorrow or tonight. but first i had to go to this wedding thing.

so anyway, arriving at Riverside, where the wedding is taking place (the wedding reception), i saw a very familiar car. a white Proton Waja. and the numbers are the same too. the i figured it was Meera's car. she's had that car since after finishing Matriculation. then i had a really bad feeling. someone my parent's knew, Meera's news, Meera's car, wedding. couldn't get a hold of Meera. i deduced that what I'm about to go to is a disappointment, i really tried hard to think it wasn't what i thought it was. i really hoped i was wrong. as i went into the Riverside banquet hall, everyone was leaving, i saw my parents talking with Meera's parent. i waited at the entrance for them to come to me. and i asked them who was getting married. and my mom said Morshidin's daughter.

i broke down to tearless cry. my mom told me the reception was over about an hour earlier. i was too late. about 25 minutes too late. that was probably destiny telling me that it wasn't meant to be for me and Meera. then my mom told me to come with her and get back home, since its been a really really long time since i came back. with a depressing tone i for once agreed with my mom and followed her.

we were walking outside the hall and towards the elevator, when suddenly i heard someone yelling my name. it wasn't clear at first, but then it became clearer, and i recognize the voice. i slowly turned around and saw someone that i never expected to see. Meera, running towards me while she was wearing her 'baju kurung' and her hair all tied up. she seemed happy and hugged me. this was the first time i saw her smiling in a very long time, since the night that i saw her. she's still as beautiful as ever.

"Meera,(sob) congratulation!"

"For what, Ed?"

"This..."

she seemed confused. maybe she didn't realized that i was crying inside. my mom, entered the elevator with my dad and decided to leave me with my friend.

"thanks? i never thought i could do it,"

"yeah, me too. i never expected this."

"expected what?"

"This, you here. and this whole wedding!"

"of course I'm here, where would i be?"

"i thought probably somewhere else by now, maybe in Sidney.."

Sidney was the place she told me where she would go on her honeymoon.

"Sidney? why would i be there?"

"you know what never mind, i shouldn't have come."

"wait, what exactly are you thinking Ed?"

"nothing.. I, I.. i just shouldn't have came. you know. congratulations to you and your partner. i should really be leaving now"

i turned around to hide my face as real tears came down. through my eyes. and slowly i walked towards the stairs. but before i could go far, she held my hand.

"ALEX!! where are you going? I don't think you understand this whole situation."

"i understand (sob). i definitely understand."

"no you had the wrong idea."

just then i saw Meera's sister coming out of the elevator with a guy, and they were wearing matching colors. something tells me I've made a mistake. as i moved my glimpse from them i turned to Meera who was smiling when she was looking at me, and she burst into laughter. there was still tears coming down my face. and i still don't understand, and somehow i think I've made a mistake. Meera explained to me.

as it turns out, it wasn't her wedding. it was her sister's wedding. her older sister. the other Morshidin's daughter. somehow this stupid miscommunication shouldn't have occurred as i thought. she was still laughing. and my face turned red. as she slowly stopped laughing(eventually she stopped fully), she told me that she was the wedding planner and she was the one that did the whole thing here. then i told her that i thought it was her wedding and she was getting married. she laughed even more, and then she stopped, and stared at me, and smiled.

"how can i have a wedding if the man that i love just came back.." her hands touched mine.

i smiled and didn't answer. as we embraced again, i could hear the whisper of a song by Michael Learns To Rock, 25 minutes playing. and before i thought that everything wasn't gonna end happily.

-END-

i love you now more than i did before, knowing that you waited for me, and i was the one that you always loved...

Dedicated to:

-The love of my life-

If I Don't Wake Up Tomorrow

"Life, something that always has something new to offer, no matter how long you live."

These exact words are the last words that i heard him say. He smiled for one last time, while the doctor checked his pulse, and slowly, his breath got deeper, and deeper until it finally just stop. i could clearly hear the cries of everyone in the room. Everyone was sad at the fact that he has moved on, but i felt relieved, because he doesn't have to suffer anymore. He is my best friend, my blood brother, my rival, my mentor, my forever buddy, he was Benjy.

Benjy and me had always been friend, ever since we were young. We lived in the same neighbourhood, but when we were in high school i moved to another place, but we still went to the same school. our notorious pranks made us the school most wanted-but-lovable students. even though our naughtiness are legendary, our wits when it comes to studying were epic. there's not many student that have a permanent record full of negative remarks but the has the best GPA. i guess we were just those kinds of kids that likes to play hard, and learn harder.

you know, when we were young, i always thought you had more courage than i do, so whenever we were in trouble, if i never saw you getting scared, i wouldn't be too....

we got accepted into different colleges, i took Psychology and sociology, while he took Aeronautic Engineering. even though we were far apart from one end of the world, to the other end, we never forgot each other. Raya was the best time for us, since it was the only time we get to meet.

but after graduating, we went work to separate places, him in KL, while I'm in Kuching. during these few year, we hardly ever saw each other, except for Raya, and that would only mean only one day.

times pass, we lost what we used to have back when we were young....

i was getting older, so was he, i found myself the love of my life, my high school sweetheart, one of our own best friends- Jenny. She was always close to Benjy, and who would have thought, Benjy set us up, and we dated through college, and now I'm married to her. Benjy was there to be my Best man during my wedding. that's when i notice there was something wrong with him. Benjy only had his mother, since his father already passed away when he was a baby. so his mother was all he had as family, but he always called me his brother. he didn't want to be my best man, cause of some unknown reason, but i was persistent, and he agreed.

after i got married, i started hanging out with Benjy again. as it turns out he got a job back here again. so every weekend, we hung out doing whatever we could think of, from playing pool, to karaoke, to playing half-life at the local cybercafe. I felt weird for Benjy, since his job,well lets just say, its a high paying job, but he still stayed in his mother's old house back at the Kampung. and every time we went out, he would always look pale, or sometimes always have a headache.. but it didn't stop him.

so it was this one day, we were out with some of our school mates, we decided to jam, since it has been a long time since our last time together, we thought about getting the band back together.
so anyway we jammed for about three hours and after we finished, we went to McDonald. the best place to go after jamming, since they have refills...mm...

things sometimes happen for a reason we never know, but they just do..

while we were heavily laughing to the stories we had when we were young we all remembered about our family, not parents, but our own family now, kids, wife and in laws, we told stories about them. Benjy didn't have anything to talk about since he wasn't married yet, but he also laughed with us.but anyway while doing so, something unexpected happened, Benjy has been complaining about a slight headache before but we didn't took it seriously, but this time he actually blacked out. we had to call an ambulance. a few moments later all of us were at the hospital emergency room. we called Benjy's mother,she arrived a few minutes later.

it was that day that our eyes were opened, my eyes to be exact about Benjy's condition. His mother told us everything. Benjy was still in a coma, still haven't woken up yet, the doctor said he had a terrible seizure, but he's sure to wake up. anyway, the story that his mother told us was quite unexpected.

in life, we always had the best time, so when i die, have a blast, for me...

While working in KL, Benjy's life was pure fun. he had a great time working making lots of money, and spending lots of them too. but one day, he felt a slight headache due to not sleeping doing a job. he put the thought aside thinking it was just due to lack of sleep. so it was a week later, his nose started oozing mucus non-stop and sometimes bled. he went to the doctor. and it turns out he was diagnosed with cancer. he fell into a spiral of depression, his mother went to KL to take care of him. they did everything to cure the cancer, modern medicine, traditional medicine and new age stuff. but nothing was working. he went to chemotherapy, lost his hair. it got rid of the cancer for about one year, the year that i couldn't get a hold of him. he quit his job, went to see the world with his mother after realizing he may die at anytime. a few month after coming back to KL, he went for his usual checkup and more bad news, the cancer came back, it was in the fourth stage.meaning its incurable. the doctor suggested more chemotherapy, but he refused, his mother pleaded to him to go for chemotherapy, but he made up his mind, saying, "if its my time to die, then I'll die, death is in god's hand. i rather spend the rest of my days with you and my friends, than spend it injecting those medicine in my body while it kills me slowly, and die eventually."

so he took the next week to pack all his stuff from his condo in KL and stayed in Kuching. it was during my wedding, his mother told me that he had an appointment with the doctor in KL during my wedding, and i wanted him to be my best man, he canceled the appointment after i talked him into it.

there are times i rather live and die instantly, but with friends like you guys, dying just seems boring....

i cried a tearless cry, hearing the story from her. so did all of our friend. Benjy was admitted into the ward after he woke up. he was smiling, he always smiled even during the worst of time. he smiled when we got in trouble in school, he smiled when we received our first punishment, and we just laughed about it. i was mad at him, for not telling me about the problem. he apologized, he said he didn't want me to treat him any differently. its true, if i had known, i wouldn't have brought him to do any of the things we did these past few month. he enjoyed what he did. i thought and prayed really hard he would get better, cause according to the doctor, he could get better, or he might get worst. so everyday after work i went to see him, and sometimes it would be me and Jenny. and sometimes it was with the other guys. his mother didn't went home for a few weeks now. i saw him getting better each day,but the doctor said the cancer is eating away his brain cell, which mean he was getting worst. he wanted to show us all he was getting better. it made us all feel better, when inside we know he wasn't.

one month later, i was at work, when Benjy's mother called me saying it was an emergency, Benjy had another seizure. i rushed out of work and went straight to the hospital, i called Jenny, and my other friend to meet me there. when we arrived, Benjy was still in a coma, at the ICU, his mother was waiting outside crying, i comforted her. a few moments later everyone else came. the doctor came out saying that Benjy was out of his coma, and he may only have a few more moment to live. we came in, there was all this machine wired to him. he just lay there, and he smiled all the way. even when the nurse surrounded him to check on him he smiled. he talked a made a few jokes, and we all tried to laugh but we just couldn't. his mother couldn't stop crying behind me, so was Jenny. me, i had to be brave, knowing if i was scared, then Benjy would be too. i sat beside him, trying hard to comfort him and everybody else in the room. all of our friends gathered beside him, his mother sat next to me, while Jenny was beside her. the beeping of the heart monitor was getting slower each time it beeped. he made one last joke before saying something that i would never forget until this very day.

"everyone, if i don't wake up tomorrow, i want you to know that i had the best time of my life. If i don't wake up tomorrow, i don't want you to cry, cause if you do, then all the fun i had with you guys will be just a sad memories,no i won't have that, i want it to be remembered as the best times we had as friends, as a family. cause you know, Life, something that always has something new to offer, no matter how long you live."

he breathed his last breath. he passed on a few seconds later. every one in the room cried, except for me. cause Benjy once told me, if i was afraid, then he'd never smiled like he used to. his funeral was held the day after. my parents were there, my school teachers was there. everyone we knew was there. as everyone as left the grave, i stayed behind with Jenny and Benjy's mother. His mother then walked to her car. i was the last one to leave his grave. staring at his grave, i remembered the first time i met him when we were five. then a little tear fell down my face, and i turned away, and walked towards Jenny, and went into my car. i closed my eyes and a a vague image of Benjy smiling came. i missed him already.


Dedicated in Memory of :

Mohd. Abid bin Saad.(1990-2006)

Mohd. Shafiq bin Abdul Razak.(1990-2010)

Yasmine Ghazali (1993-2010)


"though we thought we'd be friends forever, life had other plans, and i never thought you'd be gone before i would."

"and i know that one day I'm gonna meet you again."

morning glory

i want her to be my morning glory...so much.... if you're reading this, i wanted to become something more...