Sorry

Being an adult is tough work, no one can deny that claim, but if you know how to handle every menial thing in your life, you'll get by. i wished it wasn't like that, i used to be free spirited, not labeled as a Hippie, but free as in i don't have a fucking care in the world. Clubs, alcohols and girls, those were my vices, but as i grew older, i find out that it got boring as soon as we tried all of them.

after graduating i got my first job, first month of pay, bought the whole club for a private party with all of my friends and family and colleagues invited. then second month, had to pay the rent, third month, bought a car, electricity bills, etc. then everything changed, i became a wild guy, to the guy who works late and slept at the office. how time flies, it was as if yesterday i was 22.

Being such a good worker, i never had the chance to get my love life on track. i had a few girlfriends, bu none that lasted more than a month. had a few flings and one night stands, but that's it. but the numbers grew less and less. In college, i counted how many women I'd conquered. now the number dwindles, and i rarely think about women and now focused on my work.

but enough about this, I'm not gonna talk about the boring part of my life. this is everyday in my life, or at least a year in my life. what I'm gonna tell you is a story of regret, a story of life, a story that changed me. My name is Eddy.

whatever i told you before is not very interesting. now here's a story from my past.

it happened one night during semester break.

i was 21. Young, wild and free, in the words of Wiz Khalifa. but nonetheless, i was still naive, still new to this world, but most of all, still a virgin. my eyes was opened at the age of 21, first drink,first trip to a club, and first time having a one night stand. before, i was a good kid, well now I'm a better man from all these experiences, but from that age i became wild. now thankfully I'm not like that.

the first girl that i met while having fun, her name was Aurora, she was older than me, but she looked fresh and young. we met while i was tipsy, and moving like an ass on the dance floor. she took my hand, we danced, took a couple of shots, and then the magic happened. my very first sexual experience. she was the first among the many one night stands i had, but she was different from the rest.

we dated for 3 weeks, but then i disappeared. lost all contact with her. my friend said she was looking for me but i didn't want to see her. changed my number, and went out of town for 2 month. then everything was back to normal. i know what i did was terrible but, that was what i was, a terrible example of human being.

 a year passed, one of my friend died, i decided it was time to change my life. Life's too short to waste just like that. i decided to go out less, focus more on my studies, drink less, but i became a chain smoker, perhaps due to stress, but other than that i was proud i changed.

now back to the present moment.

I'm 25 now. a part of the working system, contributing to society in my field of work, that is journalism. but hell I'm lonely. i had this one relationship that lasted almost a year, but she cheated, so i dumped her. now i have relationship that last not less than 3 month. i got an award for this story i wrote on humanitarian work done in Africa, so I'm a bit well known. my face was on the front page of the magazine which i work for.

Then, everything changed,

 so this one day i was writing about a charity event for single mothers in my city, i interviewed the chairman, the PR officer, and some of the mothers that the event benefited. until i interviewed this one mother, she seemed familiar.

"Excuse me ma'am, i would like to have your take on this event, and by the way my name is..." she turned to me and smiled.
"Eddy, you don't remember me do you?" a somewhat familiar voice.
"Aurora? Is that you?" the questions i was suppose to ask her for the interview slip my mind, and suddenly all the memories from my past came back.
"Yes Ed. its me." she said with a soothing voice.
"I..., I'm sorry.. I mean, its nice to see you again. and in such a long time. how long has it been?" i stuttered.
"4 years, nice to see you. i see you've become what you have been aiming for all those times." i almost forgot, i told her about my hopes and dreams every night. but i was still dazed.
"So.. uh.. What are you doing here?" i asked her in a very monotone voice, hoping she hadn't harbored any uneasy feeling all these years, especially after i disappeared a few years back.
"I'm here for ..." before she could finished her sentences, a girl was running and hugging her legs.
"Mummy!!! They are not playing nice." the little girl cried while holding her legs.

Aurora got on her knees, and wiping her face. then she held her hands. and faced me back.

"She's the reason I'm here." she smiled, but i sensed a bit of fear in her voice.
"Oh, why hello there. My name is Eddy, and I'm a reporter. Whats your name sweet little angel?" i asked the little girl.
"My name is Deanna." she stuttered, introducing herself to me. then she hid behind Aurora's legs.
"Sweet kid." i smiled.
"Um, Eddy i think i better go, we've been here all day, and i think Deanna's a bit tired." she picked the girl up  held her in her arms. "say goodbye to the nice man sweetie," and she walked away, but not before i gave her my card.

After the meeting, i went back to my job and interviewed other candidates. but i still can't get Aurora out of my mind. She still has the same vibe surrounding her, that fresh and young vibe i felt the first time i met her.

The next day at the office, i was finishing up the article i wrote about the event, when suddenly i received a call. It was Aurora, and she said she wanted to meet with me for lunch. i agreed and finished up the article. as soon as i sent it to the editor i packed my stuff and went out for lunch.

we met at this restaurant in town, where they served the best coffee, one of my favorite spot in Kuching. i sat there and waited for her to come, while constantly checking my phone, waiting for the text from my editor.

Then i saw her walking in, and she saw me at the table and made her way to the table. she sat, and ordered a coffee. we sat there in a moment of silence, but i broke it asking her about her day. she seemed distressed, but i ignored it. i started a conversation about her jobs and so on. then i came to ask her about her daughter. she fell silent for a while, staring straight at me.

"that's what I'm here to talk about Ed." she said with a serious tone. i felt this sudden hard feeling in my stomach.
"About Deanna, she's four years old you know." Aurora stated the age of her daughter. I suddenly panicked.
"that's good to hear." i swallowed my coffee.
"Ed, err, how should i put this in a manner that won't scare you.. hm. Deanna is sort of, um, your daughter." then i almost spit my coffee out. but instead i calmly placed the cup on the table, and, mind you I'm exaggerating, started to pull my hair.
"What do you mean he's my daughter?" i asked her in a calm and assertive way.

Aurora began telling me the story of how i fathered a child i am not aware of. after i disappeared, she was trying to find me, trying to tell me that she was pregnant. she didn't know what to do, she was lost. she went to doctor, and wanted to abort the child, but at the last second she decided against it. She couldn't bare the thought of killing her unborn child. She decided to keep the baby. but it wasn't easy, she was ashamed of what happened, she fought with her parents, got disowned, and the only place she could be safe was with her sister. but after the baby was born, it was like a miracle, her parents was in good terms with her, she found a good paying job, and the baby she gave birth to was beautiful. although she raised the baby without a father, a.k.a me, she managed to bring her up very good.

A little tear came out of my eye. suddenly i burst into an apologetic outburst, saying I'm sorry for everything. she didn't blamed me, she only smiled and thanked me, for changing her life. i felt guilty for letting her go through this alone, i felt like i should have been there. should have been a father. Aurora grabbed my hands and said something that made me smile.

"Will you be there for Deanna after this?"

i wiped the tears of my face and held her hands tight, and hoped my answer will make things right again.

"Yes."

-The End-

All I Want is You Today

Story of Jimmy

Its been a year since i last saw her. she was still as beautiful as ever. She arrived in a dark blue Hilux. I've been waiting for about 15 minutes. she smiled when she saw me. this place, the ol' ice cream place where we would always meet. she was my junior in high school, a year younger than me. we would usually meet here whenever it was convenient, that is whenever her parents would let her go out.

She would order the same thing every time we're here, chocolate sundae, and me i would order a banana split. i felt there was some uneasy vibe surrounding her, and i always knew there was something wrong with her. i could tell. the last time we met here, she was undergoing a breakup with her boyfriend. and i comforted her.

we talked on the phone, and sometimes we text, but lately, she's been hiding something from me. and then suddenly this morning she suddenly asked me to meet her here. she knows that I've been hiding my feelings for her all this time, but as always i would never say it to her anymore. cause i'm always here, whenever she needed someone to talk to.

there was no conversation between us, there was just silence. in an effort to make her open up, i asked her about her life lately. She said she's fine, considering she just finished her diploma, but still waiting for her acceptance into degree level. then i asked her about everything, like; hows her life, hows the family, and such.

but that was it. that's all she answered. there was definitely something wrong with her, cause whenever she didn't ask me anything, something must be terribly wrong with her. she didn't look sad, she looked happy, but there was just this unresolved vibe she was emitting. in confidence i asked her directly what was wrong with her.

she was hesitant to answer. she played around with her sundae. then she answered me.

"I have something to say Jim."

my heart was pounding, knowing she would either say that she's ready for a relationship with me. maybe she realized how much i cared for her all this time. maybe she realized after those long years of me hiding my feelings, she would know that i'm the one she wants to be with.

"i... i'm going to KL next week."

she stuttered. so what, i go to KL all the time, for my vacation, or shopping, or work. but she sounded nervous saying this to me. her face turned gloomy all of a sudden. i said that its okay, we'll hang out after she comes back. but something tells me she told me this for some other reason.

"I'm getting engaged."

the split second i heard that word, my heart felt like it stopped. i turned my face to the side, and then i stared at the banana split. i felt this sudden jolt of sadness. all this time I've been waiting for my moment, I've had that moment long before, but she didn't take me seriously. since every time I've seen her, she always had a boyfriend, and i would always be there, whenever she falls apart, after the guy left her. i didn't want to be the guy who would take advantage of a broken heart girl, so i just became a shoulder she could cry on whenever she felt sad, or the guy that's beside her when she's happy. in short i wanted to always be beside her, whatever situation she's in.

but now, i felt like everything fell apart.

"Jim, i'm sorry. it wasn't my decision. my parents fixed me up to the guy."

then i forced my sadness away, and smiled. i told her i was happy for her.

"You've always been there for me Jim, i didn't want to break your heart. its just that.."

i told her, i understand, cause all this while i was always her best friend, the one she would tell secrets to, the one she could turn to for help. it just didn't came to her that i wanted more. but there was one thing I've always wanted her to have, that is to be happy. and i'm sure she'll be happy.

"Thanks Jim. you will always be my best friend."

she smiled, and then we stood up, and walked out of the ice cream place. as she turned to say goodbye, she hugged me and then walked to her car. i didn't have the heart to tell her how i felt, and i didn't have the courage to tell her that i've always been in love with her. now she's gone. and i never will have that chance anymore. i know when she said that i'll always be her best friend, i knew that after this, i won't get to see her anymore. she'll never know, and i'll never know if we were meant to be.

cause for all this while I've known her, she was all that i wanted. and all i want is her today. knowing after this i can never tell her my feelings for her, cause her happiness is all that i ever ask for, even if it meant sacrificing myself to be miserable forever.

Where is your boy tonight?

she sat alone.

I was just around the corner, looking at her, keeping my distance making sure nobody is trying to do anything to her.

No, i'm not a stalker, i'm her best friend. Nate. Alice's Nate, as people might call me. cause everywhere she was, i was always there. except for tonight. she was going on a blind date that her friends set her up on. i mean come on, why a blind date? i mean i'm right here, why couldn't she just date me?

The last time i asked her, she just smiled, and laughed it out. Maybe i'm not boyfriend material? or she just didn't want to go on a date with me.

i mean, we go out almost everyday. whats the difference between the days we hang out and asking her out on a date? again with all these questions that keep popping in my head. she helped me a lot these past few years, and i've also returned the favor, but we never really talked about our relationship. we've hung out almost everyday for the past three years. i mean i'm an 18 years old dude, i guess i deserve to know.

she seems a bit nervous. better hide behind the bush, so i can have a better look at that guy when he comes. she's reaching for her phone. she just BBM'd me. great, she's looking for me, what should i say? uhh, lie, thats it LIE to her.

No, what am i doing? now i've resorted to lying to my best friend. what kind of guy am i. i wouldn't be one of those douche guys from school, who lies all the time, to get girls. so i BBM'd her back; I'm always here with you. yeah, not a total lie.

yeah. where is that boy? i hope he's a gentleman. cause if he treats Alice bad, i'm gonna give him a piece of my Hapkido lessons.

its been an hour or so, the guy hasn't shown up. i've been behind the bush for quite some time. and i think a dog just crapped on my shoe. she looks sad. i better go and take her home. i stood from the bush, and walk towards the bench she was sitting on, and sat beside her.

"so Alice, he hasn't shown up?"

"Nate, what are you doing here."

"being a Prince charming and bringing you home."

"thanks. you really are a prince Nate."

"yeah i know"

i took her to my car, and she sat there silently. i turned on the radio, and there was nothing good on, just a bunch of random sounds, or was it some new pop songs from a new artist? i couldn't care less.

i drove slowly and took a spin around the town , just so i could cheer her up a bit. and i started to joke around with her.

then i decided it was time to send her home, so while on our way, i started to voice my thoughts out loud to her.

"why did you even agree to go on that blind date in the first place?"

"i just needed to know some things, thats all."

"who's the guy anyway?"

"i don't know, some guy that my cousin knew."

"did you got what you were looking for?"

"yeah."

then she leaned over to me and kissed my cheeks. my face turned red, and i braked the car. thankfully it was an empty street.

"You were always there for me Nate, i knew i can always count on you."

"hey thats what friends are for."

"Friends? i thought we'd established that you and i are boyfriend and girlfriend."

"really, when was that?"

"uh, the first time that i asked you to hang out with me? duuh."

i only smiled. that was the reason she never wanted to go on a date with me, cause all this time we were always on a date. and i was just too blind to see that. i'm glad she's mine, my best friend, and my girlfriend.

25 minutes too late

I'm waiting at the airport. my flight was supposed to be about one hour ago. I'm still waiting. I'm in LJLA (Liverpool John Lennon Airport). I had an epiphany, this morning, i met my closest friend, Meera, in my dream. she said that she got something important to say to me, but before she could, i woke up. the thing was, it was me that said that to her. right before i took that job in England. she said that she will wait for me to come back to her, and then she'll tell me how she feels about me. the thing about me is, i could never wait. so for the past two years, I've been avoiding her calls for me, until this morning when she called me, it was almost midnight in Malaysia, and she told me to come home. cause she's got a surprise. and for once in the last two years, I've had a soft heart to answer it.

she said it was important, and i took the first flight back, but for some reason, the flight had to be delayed. 25 minutes, late than the original one. so i waited at the airport, so while doing so, i reminisce about the time when i was younger, when i was still in primary school.

i met Meera when we were in primary 3,she just moved from Bintulu, she used to sit beside me, at first i thought to myself, and mind you, this was my younger self, ' this girl is so cute, but too bad she's a girl'. and that was what i thought of her, but then she introduced herself to me. at first i was reluctant to say my name, but i did. she smiled, then held my hand and asked me to play hide and seek, along with our other friends. but the thing was at that time, she never took her hands of mine, we hid at the same place. i just kept quite, not wanting to be caught. anyway, time passes, and we were in high school. she hit puberty a lot faster than me, so when we were in form 1, she was a bit taller, but by the time we hit form 3, i was the taller one.

we shared a lot of memories, some bad, some good, her breakup with her first ever boyfriend, and then her second boyfriend, and mine with this crush i used to have, but i never had a girlfriend before, and of course the time we went camping and got lost, i never would have thought that that would be a good memory, but we do have some fun thinking back about it.slowly, i started to have feelings for her, but i never wanted to tell her, cause i thought that if i do tell her, it would ruin our friendship. she said she was single, but not available, i didn't get what that meant during that time, but now i do.

Then, we graduated, and i went on to college, she went to Matriculation, i got into an arts college, studying film and broadcasting, while she went to med school. i went on to become a broadcasting agent and i got that job offer in England. i wanted to go to Hollywood, but my application to the US wasn't accepted, so i went on to London, England. she got a job at the hospital, since it was part of her contract to work after finishing her studies. and the night before my flight, i took her out. I've been planning that for a week, and you know, i thought, that by bringing her to a romantic dinner, just a night before my going would set the right mood, and maybe our love will spark. so we had dinner, talked about my bags and shirt that I'm bringing there, and where i was going to live but then we ran out of topic, so i brought out the topic about our love life, how we have always been friend, and how she never met a guy, and i never had a girlfriend. then i told her everything. there was silence between us, just the bustling sound of the restaurant waiters and other people talking. she didn't say anything. then those words came out, ' I'll tell you after you come back here. you can wait right?'

I've always been patient, but somehow that night i didn't have any patience, i didn't know why, but perhaps maybe that i was leaving tomorrow, and all she could say was that she's gonna wait for me to come back. i didn't say a word after our conversation, its like the words are just gone, and i just don't seem to be in the mood. so the day came, i made my flight to London, and i didn't look back, not at the girl, not at my hometown.

but here i am, looking back, and going back, just with the flight being delayed i can't do anything. i took a walk around the airport, and just walked to see the people there. then 20 minutes pass, and I'm sure that i can go into the terminal now. i waited for the flight attendance to call us to get into the plane, and then we went.

the flight from Liverpool to Kuching, a direct flight, took almost almost a whole day, so i got some shut eye inside the plane to avoid jet-lagging. and when i couldn't sleep, i took the liberty to watched the in flight movies, or play some games, and other than that, i would often times flirt with the stewardess, i know, sounds perv of me, but come on, its a long flight home.

I'm not really sure why she called, and why i even answered. hours before arriving in KLIA, i had a thought, that what if she called me to finally say that she wants to be with me more than ever, more than anything i suppose. but that thought was slowly beginning to take its toll on me as i was even more eager to go back to Kuching. what if she did, what if this time going back meant we were finally going to start that relationship that was on hold for quite a few years. what if we ended up marrying each other, or the least, getting engaged. her parents and my parents were close, because my mom works with her mom, at some point when we were younger, just before my mom retired.

my thoughts were running wild, with never ending possibility of what might happen. what if i never took that job. where would i be right now? would we still be friends? or would we be married and have children? or would we lose contact and never see each other again after that night. questions that never seem to have answer. oddly enough, even though I'm not a religious guy, i only thought that God has paved my life into going to this direction. though the possibility are endless, i chose the path, and God provided my destination. that was all i thought.

my mind went back to this memory of when Meera and I were younger, we were about 12. my grandfather just died. it was a shock to us all. i fell into this sad state, cause i was really close to my grandfather. Meera was there to comfort me. she cheered me up, and that was when i realized that she could be my best friends forever. and i loved her back then as a friend. but years after, that friendly-love turned into just pure love.i never did felt like this for anyone, but her.not any of the girls back when i was young, or the girls that I've met working in England.

The "put your safety belt light" on the plane turned on, and the pilot announced that we were about to land. my thoughts came back to me. and i focused on my journey now instead of looking back. i had to be in the present.

My flight was a transit from KLIA to Kuching. i had to go into the airport, take a whole run into the immigration, and finally back into the plane . that's what they call a transit flight. since i was a citizen of Sarawak, it had some privilege. so on my way back to Kuching, a town that i thought i would never see again, or might even thought going back to. I'm doing this for love, for Meera. i still had no idea what her surprise was for me. but if my thoughts before were right, i might go back to Kuching and finally have a heart to stay there.

now all i thought about was just Meera, and no one else. my mind was focused on her. i even tried saying her full name again, making sure i still remember it. Nur Meera binti Morshidin. Lovely name. lovely smile, and love of my life.

it was almost 4 in the evening in Kuching, the weather wasn't quite welcoming. thunders were everywhere in the plane, several times i would imagine me dying due to a plane crash, but god forbid, i pray it will never happen. due to the bad weather, the plane's landing was delayed for a long time. and i waited almost half an-hour. give or take the plane took a delay of 25 minutes.

then we arrived, finally in Kuching. my mom and dad couldn't pick me up, due to some unforeseen circumstances, meaning they might be going to a function somewhere, but they let my cousin pick me up. he's alright, kinda like a brother to me, since my brother's are working somewhere else in Malaysia, i don't know where they are right now, i never took the time to know. anyway, my cousin, Jud, he told me that I'm suppose to go to the event that my parent went to. great, another wedding or 'whatever'. and i just arrived. but he said it was important. saying something about its a wedding of someone important. i didn't care, so i had to go. Meera would have to wait.

Jud wasn't the best driver, but he sure drives slow. i asked him about the event, and he said it was someone that my parents knew, their daughter getting married or something. i tried contacting Meera, but to no avail. i couldn't get a hold of her. she must be pretty busy, being a doctor and all. i decided to call her tomorrow or tonight. but first i had to go to this wedding thing.

so anyway, arriving at Riverside, where the wedding is taking place (the wedding reception), i saw a very familiar car. a white Proton Waja. and the numbers are the same too. the i figured it was Meera's car. she's had that car since after finishing Matriculation. then i had a really bad feeling. someone my parent's knew, Meera's news, Meera's car, wedding. couldn't get a hold of Meera. i deduced that what I'm about to go to is a disappointment, i really tried hard to think it wasn't what i thought it was. i really hoped i was wrong. as i went into the Riverside banquet hall, everyone was leaving, i saw my parents talking with Meera's parent. i waited at the entrance for them to come to me. and i asked them who was getting married. and my mom said Morshidin's daughter.

i broke down to tearless cry. my mom told me the reception was over about an hour earlier. i was too late. about 25 minutes too late. that was probably destiny telling me that it wasn't meant to be for me and Meera. then my mom told me to come with her and get back home, since its been a really really long time since i came back. with a depressing tone i for once agreed with my mom and followed her.

we were walking outside the hall and towards the elevator, when suddenly i heard someone yelling my name. it wasn't clear at first, but then it became clearer, and i recognize the voice. i slowly turned around and saw someone that i never expected to see. Meera, running towards me while she was wearing her 'baju kurung' and her hair all tied up. she seemed happy and hugged me. this was the first time i saw her smiling in a very long time, since the night that i saw her. she's still as beautiful as ever.

"Meera,(sob) congratulation!"

"For what, Ed?"

"This..."

she seemed confused. maybe she didn't realized that i was crying inside. my mom, entered the elevator with my dad and decided to leave me with my friend.

"thanks? i never thought i could do it,"

"yeah, me too. i never expected this."

"expected what?"

"This, you here. and this whole wedding!"

"of course I'm here, where would i be?"

"i thought probably somewhere else by now, maybe in Sidney.."

Sidney was the place she told me where she would go on her honeymoon.

"Sidney? why would i be there?"

"you know what never mind, i shouldn't have come."

"wait, what exactly are you thinking Ed?"

"nothing.. I, I.. i just shouldn't have came. you know. congratulations to you and your partner. i should really be leaving now"

i turned around to hide my face as real tears came down. through my eyes. and slowly i walked towards the stairs. but before i could go far, she held my hand.

"ALEX!! where are you going? I don't think you understand this whole situation."

"i understand (sob). i definitely understand."

"no you had the wrong idea."

just then i saw Meera's sister coming out of the elevator with a guy, and they were wearing matching colors. something tells me I've made a mistake. as i moved my glimpse from them i turned to Meera who was smiling when she was looking at me, and she burst into laughter. there was still tears coming down my face. and i still don't understand, and somehow i think I've made a mistake. Meera explained to me.

as it turns out, it wasn't her wedding. it was her sister's wedding. her older sister. the other Morshidin's daughter. somehow this stupid miscommunication shouldn't have occurred as i thought. she was still laughing. and my face turned red. as she slowly stopped laughing(eventually she stopped fully), she told me that she was the wedding planner and she was the one that did the whole thing here. then i told her that i thought it was her wedding and she was getting married. she laughed even more, and then she stopped, and stared at me, and smiled.

"how can i have a wedding if the man that i love just came back.." her hands touched mine.

i smiled and didn't answer. as we embraced again, i could hear the whisper of a song by Michael Learns To Rock, 25 minutes playing. and before i thought that everything wasn't gonna end happily.

-END-

i love you now more than i did before, knowing that you waited for me, and i was the one that you always loved...

Dedicated to:

-The love of my life-

If I Don't Wake Up Tomorrow

"Life, something that always has something new to offer, no matter how long you live."

These exact words are the last words that i heard him say. He smiled for one last time, while the doctor checked his pulse, and slowly, his breath got deeper, and deeper until it finally just stop. i could clearly hear the cries of everyone in the room. Everyone was sad at the fact that he has moved on, but i felt relieved, because he doesn't have to suffer anymore. He is my best friend, my blood brother, my rival, my mentor, my forever buddy, he was Benjy.

Benjy and me had always been friend, ever since we were young. We lived in the same neighbourhood, but when we were in high school i moved to another place, but we still went to the same school. our notorious pranks made us the school most wanted-but-lovable students. even though our naughtiness are legendary, our wits when it comes to studying were epic. there's not many student that have a permanent record full of negative remarks but the has the best GPA. i guess we were just those kinds of kids that likes to play hard, and learn harder.

you know, when we were young, i always thought you had more courage than i do, so whenever we were in trouble, if i never saw you getting scared, i wouldn't be too....

we got accepted into different colleges, i took Psychology and sociology, while he took Aeronautic Engineering. even though we were far apart from one end of the world, to the other end, we never forgot each other. Raya was the best time for us, since it was the only time we get to meet.

but after graduating, we went work to separate places, him in KL, while I'm in Kuching. during these few year, we hardly ever saw each other, except for Raya, and that would only mean only one day.

times pass, we lost what we used to have back when we were young....

i was getting older, so was he, i found myself the love of my life, my high school sweetheart, one of our own best friends- Jenny. She was always close to Benjy, and who would have thought, Benjy set us up, and we dated through college, and now I'm married to her. Benjy was there to be my Best man during my wedding. that's when i notice there was something wrong with him. Benjy only had his mother, since his father already passed away when he was a baby. so his mother was all he had as family, but he always called me his brother. he didn't want to be my best man, cause of some unknown reason, but i was persistent, and he agreed.

after i got married, i started hanging out with Benjy again. as it turns out he got a job back here again. so every weekend, we hung out doing whatever we could think of, from playing pool, to karaoke, to playing half-life at the local cybercafe. I felt weird for Benjy, since his job,well lets just say, its a high paying job, but he still stayed in his mother's old house back at the Kampung. and every time we went out, he would always look pale, or sometimes always have a headache.. but it didn't stop him.

so it was this one day, we were out with some of our school mates, we decided to jam, since it has been a long time since our last time together, we thought about getting the band back together.
so anyway we jammed for about three hours and after we finished, we went to McDonald. the best place to go after jamming, since they have refills...mm...

things sometimes happen for a reason we never know, but they just do..

while we were heavily laughing to the stories we had when we were young we all remembered about our family, not parents, but our own family now, kids, wife and in laws, we told stories about them. Benjy didn't have anything to talk about since he wasn't married yet, but he also laughed with us.but anyway while doing so, something unexpected happened, Benjy has been complaining about a slight headache before but we didn't took it seriously, but this time he actually blacked out. we had to call an ambulance. a few moments later all of us were at the hospital emergency room. we called Benjy's mother,she arrived a few minutes later.

it was that day that our eyes were opened, my eyes to be exact about Benjy's condition. His mother told us everything. Benjy was still in a coma, still haven't woken up yet, the doctor said he had a terrible seizure, but he's sure to wake up. anyway, the story that his mother told us was quite unexpected.

in life, we always had the best time, so when i die, have a blast, for me...

While working in KL, Benjy's life was pure fun. he had a great time working making lots of money, and spending lots of them too. but one day, he felt a slight headache due to not sleeping doing a job. he put the thought aside thinking it was just due to lack of sleep. so it was a week later, his nose started oozing mucus non-stop and sometimes bled. he went to the doctor. and it turns out he was diagnosed with cancer. he fell into a spiral of depression, his mother went to KL to take care of him. they did everything to cure the cancer, modern medicine, traditional medicine and new age stuff. but nothing was working. he went to chemotherapy, lost his hair. it got rid of the cancer for about one year, the year that i couldn't get a hold of him. he quit his job, went to see the world with his mother after realizing he may die at anytime. a few month after coming back to KL, he went for his usual checkup and more bad news, the cancer came back, it was in the fourth stage.meaning its incurable. the doctor suggested more chemotherapy, but he refused, his mother pleaded to him to go for chemotherapy, but he made up his mind, saying, "if its my time to die, then I'll die, death is in god's hand. i rather spend the rest of my days with you and my friends, than spend it injecting those medicine in my body while it kills me slowly, and die eventually."

so he took the next week to pack all his stuff from his condo in KL and stayed in Kuching. it was during my wedding, his mother told me that he had an appointment with the doctor in KL during my wedding, and i wanted him to be my best man, he canceled the appointment after i talked him into it.

there are times i rather live and die instantly, but with friends like you guys, dying just seems boring....

i cried a tearless cry, hearing the story from her. so did all of our friend. Benjy was admitted into the ward after he woke up. he was smiling, he always smiled even during the worst of time. he smiled when we got in trouble in school, he smiled when we received our first punishment, and we just laughed about it. i was mad at him, for not telling me about the problem. he apologized, he said he didn't want me to treat him any differently. its true, if i had known, i wouldn't have brought him to do any of the things we did these past few month. he enjoyed what he did. i thought and prayed really hard he would get better, cause according to the doctor, he could get better, or he might get worst. so everyday after work i went to see him, and sometimes it would be me and Jenny. and sometimes it was with the other guys. his mother didn't went home for a few weeks now. i saw him getting better each day,but the doctor said the cancer is eating away his brain cell, which mean he was getting worst. he wanted to show us all he was getting better. it made us all feel better, when inside we know he wasn't.

one month later, i was at work, when Benjy's mother called me saying it was an emergency, Benjy had another seizure. i rushed out of work and went straight to the hospital, i called Jenny, and my other friend to meet me there. when we arrived, Benjy was still in a coma, at the ICU, his mother was waiting outside crying, i comforted her. a few moments later everyone else came. the doctor came out saying that Benjy was out of his coma, and he may only have a few more moment to live. we came in, there was all this machine wired to him. he just lay there, and he smiled all the way. even when the nurse surrounded him to check on him he smiled. he talked a made a few jokes, and we all tried to laugh but we just couldn't. his mother couldn't stop crying behind me, so was Jenny. me, i had to be brave, knowing if i was scared, then Benjy would be too. i sat beside him, trying hard to comfort him and everybody else in the room. all of our friends gathered beside him, his mother sat next to me, while Jenny was beside her. the beeping of the heart monitor was getting slower each time it beeped. he made one last joke before saying something that i would never forget until this very day.

"everyone, if i don't wake up tomorrow, i want you to know that i had the best time of my life. If i don't wake up tomorrow, i don't want you to cry, cause if you do, then all the fun i had with you guys will be just a sad memories,no i won't have that, i want it to be remembered as the best times we had as friends, as a family. cause you know, Life, something that always has something new to offer, no matter how long you live."

he breathed his last breath. he passed on a few seconds later. every one in the room cried, except for me. cause Benjy once told me, if i was afraid, then he'd never smiled like he used to. his funeral was held the day after. my parents were there, my school teachers was there. everyone we knew was there. as everyone as left the grave, i stayed behind with Jenny and Benjy's mother. His mother then walked to her car. i was the last one to leave his grave. staring at his grave, i remembered the first time i met him when we were five. then a little tear fell down my face, and i turned away, and walked towards Jenny, and went into my car. i closed my eyes and a a vague image of Benjy smiling came. i missed him already.


Dedicated in Memory of :

Mohd. Abid bin Saad.(1990-2006)

Mohd. Shafiq bin Abdul Razak.(1990-2010)

Yasmine Ghazali (1993-2010)


"though we thought we'd be friends forever, life had other plans, and i never thought you'd be gone before i would."

"and i know that one day I'm gonna meet you again."

morning glory

i want her to be my morning glory...so much.... if you're reading this, i wanted to become something more...

We'll never be.

Damien. a name thats similiar to Bob Marley's son. and coincidentally my father is also a musician, but not really, he produces music for people, finishing touches and everything. but anyway, this is my story, a story of how stupid this life really is. i go to this local college, public college, that is. i'm taking a course also in music, hoping that i'll inherit what my father do, but what i want is actually to play music, but i could never write anything good to sing to. my father said that in time i'll know what to write about. but i'm not just cut out to write, maybe i'm cursed to only do covers for the rest of my life.

anyway, i'm in my second year in college, and being on the dean list really made me one lonely guy, not lonely as in a guy with no friends, i got friends, but lonely as in i've not met any girl that would go out with me, its not that they wouldn't go out with me, its that i couldn't go out with them, cause i'm always too busy. even if i did, i never really liked any of them anyway.

i was set to perform in the freshman gathering this month, i wasn't too thrilled about it since i always performed one song every time, and that is Elvis's 'can't help falling in love with you', cause elvis was like my favourite singer. but i was going to sing something else. i chose can't take my eyes off of you, cause i heard Muse made a cover of that song, but i'm not going to do it like Muse, i'm gonna it like the original version. so the night before the performance, i practiced.

Day of the performance. it was a huge hit, since they expect me to do it like Muse, but i didn't. but they still sure liked it. i packed back my guitar and while i was packing near the stage, next to the emcee booth, i heard this most beautiful voice, i wasn't sure why i find it beautiful, but i just did.
The voice said,"Could you tell them that someone is blocking my car? its a black...."
and after she was done, i turned around, and saw only her back. my friend was the mc. she was walking towards her car. i asked my friends what her name was, but he didn't know. so i tried running after her, but i lost her half way. plus i didn't pay attention to what she was saying, so i didn't know which was her car.

i thought to myself, why even bother with someone you'll probably won't meet again tomorrow, so i didn't, but i couldn't stop thinking about her. that night, i dreamt of her, and i awoke in the middle of the night. i didn't dream of her specifically, i dreamt that she kept calling my name, and her voice was the only thing that i heard. so in the case of midnight waking, i usually listen to some tunes and then fall asleep, but that night i couldn't. there was something that i need to get off, something that i want to express. so i wrote something down. and finally i found the melody to it. i named the song Beautiful Girl.

then finally i could sleep, after finishing what i started.

i didn't see her at campus. i thought so too, since its a big place, with a lot of people i decided to keep her only in my mind, as the song goes, "you were always on my mind..." .but this one day, i had to come to class early, i didn't know why, but somehow i just had to come early. but when i came, it turns out that class was postponed to the evening. crap right? so anyway, i just chilled with my friends somewhere down near the carpark. we took a few drinks and just chilled, waiting for evening to come.

so as fate might have it, something coincidental actually happened. there was this black car coming in, and parked a few cars away from where we hung out, the car has the most beautiful plate number, which is my birthday, 9004, and i thought to myself, how cool would it be to have a car with my birthday on it. as fate might have it, it was actually her, the girl from before, the one i wrote a song about. she got out of her car, and then i saw her face. i gotta admit, i've seen some beautiful face, but hers was really out of this world. i feel weird at that moment, even as my friend tossed a ball to my head i didn't feel it. my heart beat faster, and my breath was longer. is this what they call falling for someone. i try best to say hello as she walked past me, but my voice couldn't make it out. so in the end i just smiled at her, like an idiot. and even my friend told me that i smiled like an idiot.

so anyway, one of my friend that hung out with me knew who she was. he told me that her name was, Lily. huh... my favourite flower is a lily, i don't know why, but that just came into my mind for no apparent reason. okay, back to the story.

apparently my friend knew a lot about Lily, cause they used to go to school together before, and i was like ' what a coincidence' and such . the bullshit started, i was in love, but i kept it quite.

i searched her name on myspace, but i didn't found her, and then searched on facebook, i found her but i couldn't add her, so i actually added a few of her friends that could be added. but i still couldn't add her because her friends still haven't approved me yet.

so anyway, my life went on as usual.

a few month later, my friend died. i wasn't that close to him, because i just met him, but i felt like i knew him a long long time. during his funeral, i didn't come, because i was never good at funeral, but after the whole service, i visited his grave, and whispered what we talked about the last time we met. as i was walking out of the graveyard, i saw Lily walking past me, but i didn't called her because my mind was filled with thoughts of my friend, cause we only talked just last saturday, and today is wednesday.

and that was the last time i saw her that semester.

(the next semester)

starting a new semester, bought everything i need, and still living outside the campus. i just started my own band, with a few of my friends, playing alternative music, cause after that day i met her, i seemed to be flowing with music, and inspiration.

i notice that i was supposed to take a subject that i was suppose to take in my first semester but i didn't take because i didn't want to take it, and now i am forced to take it cause if i'm gonna grad next year, i must finish it by this semester.whatever, i didn't care. the subject was local history.

the first week went easy, and nothing seems to be hard. Local HIstory class, the one i love to hate because, i learned it all while in high school, as a support for a project, but i suppose knowing whats going to come is easy then not knowing.

as i entered the class, i saw some of my friends sitting at the sit behind the class. i joined them, and waited as i saw the professor coming into class. he was too early. he was seriously carrying a lot of book for some reason. then a few more students came in, signed up their names up front and sat at the back. then she came in,Lily. it was the first time i saw her in month, and she was more beautiful then i recalled in my hazy memory. she walked past a few people and sat just across where i was sitting, a few sits on my right, next to a group of her own friend.i tried moving me and my friend so i can be closer to her. it was succesful, i engaged in conversation with her. i pretended that i didn't know her name, so i asked hers, and she asked mine. we had the perfect conversation, and i was happy, but then the professor started talking and our conversation was cut short.

but after talking to her only once, i knew that she was way out of my league, plus i knew she already had a boyfriend. so i kept to myself and my friends, and just stayed calm,collected, and quite for the next few weeks, until when she was the one talking to me. i smiled whenever she would talk, even during my worst of weeks, where i had tons of assignments to do, and submit,but whenever she says anything, all those things just sorta went away. and i always had that stupid smile that i hate to do. she never noticed, all i knew was that she would always laugh whenever i say anything stupid. and we did a few works together, even when i knew the answer to the question, i pretended to not know,and asked her. and she always knew, cause she was smart.

and when i said she was out of my league, she was, and when i said she had a boyfriend, i was right. i saw her walking with him once. someone older than me. they were walking around a shopping complex. how i hate the sight of that, it just tore my heart. but i didn't care, i kept it to myself, even when one my friend that was with me at the time asked me why my eyes were watery for no apparent reason.

as the end of the semester was coming to a close, and i found out that she just broke up with her boyfriend, this was my chance. but i couldn't, i just couldn't. my friendship with her is more important to me, so i just kept that feeling to myself. and just kept smiling, that fake smile, different from the stupid smile. i know who i am, and i know where i stand in her life. i'm just her new friend, and no more than that. i kept my feelings for her a secret, but somehow some of her friends knew about it. the kept making it a joke to her, so she felt annoyed at the fact that i was actually madly in love with her.

she acted like she didn't knew, and so did i, at first i actually didn't know too, but eventually i found out what the hell they were talking about. i kinda felt that it was funny, how i felt, but she didn't tell me anything. it seems that she was also waiting for me to tell her that too.

why the fuck would i do that? i don't want to be an awful friend, i don't wanna be that guy who becomes friend with a girl, just so at the end of it we could be a couple at the end. i'm just not.
whatever, as soons as she knows that, she became a little cold towards me. she didn't reply any of my text after. even when i asked her to go out with me she refused giving me a million reason. afterwards, she just stopped talking with me altogether.

in the end, i guess, i just started to feel that we're growing apart. so because of her friends, i am broken, because of you, i fell in love. but i guess we'll never be.....